Two or three times a year I lose my voice. Completely.
Right now is one of those times. I had a head cold that moved into my chest like a bad weather system over the weekend. I could almost see the ominous-looking green radar clouds moving into my larynx and making a mess such that now I am incapable of making any audible voice-like noises. Not even a gravelly stage whisper. Nothin.
I could view this as an opportunity for me to become a better listener, or I could take this time to reflect on my increased empathy for people who must live like this all the time. I could even get all figurative and become inspired to help the many "voiceless" people out there: the poor, the marginalized, the illegals.
I could. And I still may. But for now, I am just going to drink another cup of hot tea and enjoy the silence.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
Joke's on you
On my way to work I passed a van with ambitions of being an RV parked on the street. Standing next to the open side door of the van was a man getting ready for the day, pretty much using the sidewalk as his dressing room.
Man: (good-naturedly) Hey, watch out for my slippers.
Me: (smiling, with a slight chuckle) OK.
Man: (suddenly angry) HEY! Are you laughing AT me or WITH me?
Me: (now walking more quickly) WITH!
He might have said something more but I made sure I was well out of range before he could provide any further entertainment.
Man: (good-naturedly) Hey, watch out for my slippers.
Me: (smiling, with a slight chuckle) OK.
Man: (suddenly angry) HEY! Are you laughing AT me or WITH me?
Me: (now walking more quickly) WITH!
He might have said something more but I made sure I was well out of range before he could provide any further entertainment.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Playing house
This past Sunday we moved into our new place! And by moved, I mean we took one-and-a-half carloads of our clothes, shoes and toiletries, a toaster oven and a coffee maker to our new place.
My furniture and other miscellaneous belongings won't arrive from DC until late September so we'll be doing some version of urban camping until then. Until we finally borrowed an air mattress we were sleeping on our therma-rests on the floor. I've seen homeless people with more home furnishings than we have right now.
But we are resourceful! Courtesy of the craigslist "Free" section, which usually only offers things like a complete set of Playgirl magazines or free dirt (if you come pick it up) I was able to billy-goat us a folding table, rug, recliner from the early 70s and rickety wooden chairs from long before that. This was real progress.
I think it is probably still a bit premature to be planning a housewarming party but for now I am very happy with our camp site, I mean living room.
My furniture and other miscellaneous belongings won't arrive from DC until late September so we'll be doing some version of urban camping until then. Until we finally borrowed an air mattress we were sleeping on our therma-rests on the floor. I've seen homeless people with more home furnishings than we have right now.
But we are resourceful! Courtesy of the craigslist "Free" section, which usually only offers things like a complete set of Playgirl magazines or free dirt (if you come pick it up) I was able to billy-goat us a folding table, rug, recliner from the early 70s and rickety wooden chairs from long before that. This was real progress.
I think it is probably still a bit premature to be planning a housewarming party but for now I am very happy with our camp site, I mean living room.
Monday, August 18, 2008
And down the stretch they come!
This past Saturday we celebated my 30th birthday some more by going to the racetrack and betting on the ponies.
Shark tattoos and pony stickers firmly affixed to our persons, Yana, Eric and I headed down to the San Mateo County Fair noonish on Saturday to check out the racing, the music and the carnival. Included in the fair admission was entry to the hallowed Bay Meadows racetrack, which is co-located with the fairgrounds. Or was: Saturday was the second to last ("penultimate" as fancy people say) day of racing there and they closed it down yesterday after over 75 years of wild-eyed gamblers yelling and desperately slapping their hands with their programs willing their horse to come across the line first.
I can now personally speak to one day of the racetrack's storied existence and one of those wild-eyed gamblers: Eric picked the winner every time, but may have caused permanent damage to his vocal chords and hands in the process.
The fact that he has an addiction-prone personality is not good news.*
We each won at least one bet and had a great time at the track in spite of the range of human and animal smells that we discovered there. It was especially fun "expertly" commentating the pre-race and race events, like we do when watching the Olympics. (What's more fun than haughtily criticizing near perfection?) Anyone who overheard our authoritative discussion of the horses' muscle tone, disposition, post position, and jockeys' abilities would surely have thought we were experts, unless they had any idea about horseracing whatsoever in which case they probably just had a good laugh.
As Eric and Yana will wearily tell you, I invoked my birthday privilege to the fullest at the fair: we rode the rickety roller coaster against their better judgment, ate ice cream and caramel apples and popcorn, and played rigged carnival game after rigged carnival game until someone finally won.
It's good to be 30!
*Unless his newfound conviction that he simply cannot lose is in fact true, in which case I'm looking forward to an early retirement.
Shark tattoos and pony stickers firmly affixed to our persons, Yana, Eric and I headed down to the San Mateo County Fair noonish on Saturday to check out the racing, the music and the carnival. Included in the fair admission was entry to the hallowed Bay Meadows racetrack, which is co-located with the fairgrounds. Or was: Saturday was the second to last ("penultimate" as fancy people say) day of racing there and they closed it down yesterday after over 75 years of wild-eyed gamblers yelling and desperately slapping their hands with their programs willing their horse to come across the line first.
I can now personally speak to one day of the racetrack's storied existence and one of those wild-eyed gamblers: Eric picked the winner every time, but may have caused permanent damage to his vocal chords and hands in the process.
The fact that he has an addiction-prone personality is not good news.*
We each won at least one bet and had a great time at the track in spite of the range of human and animal smells that we discovered there. It was especially fun "expertly" commentating the pre-race and race events, like we do when watching the Olympics. (What's more fun than haughtily criticizing near perfection?) Anyone who overheard our authoritative discussion of the horses' muscle tone, disposition, post position, and jockeys' abilities would surely have thought we were experts, unless they had any idea about horseracing whatsoever in which case they probably just had a good laugh.
As Eric and Yana will wearily tell you, I invoked my birthday privilege to the fullest at the fair: we rode the rickety roller coaster against their better judgment, ate ice cream and caramel apples and popcorn, and played rigged carnival game after rigged carnival game until someone finally won.
It's good to be 30!
*Unless his newfound conviction that he simply cannot lose is in fact true, in which case I'm looking forward to an early retirement.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Please Make Way For The Interceptor
Where was I between midnight and 12:30am last night, you ask?
I'll tell you where I was: making loops around SFO Interational Airport trying to locate a small exotic-looking woman who is my friend Yana.
Her flight was supposed to arrive at 8:25pm but Virgin America and the God Of Lightning and Heavy Rain had other plans. After spending nearly four hours on the tarmac (or "fairway" as she charmingly called it this morning at breakfast) they finally decided it was safe to make their way over to this coast.
I'd like to preface my next statement with a firm avowal of my commitment to doing everything possible to keep our nation safe from the evildoers. That said, I have never been so provoked toward evildoerdom as I was last night the fourth time I was getting barked at by a ferocious woman in an Interceptor to circle the airport again because 25 seconds is too long to be paused in front of the door from which my friend will be emerging within moments. If there ever is an incident of destruction and violence in an airport arrivals area, I feel certain it will have been caused, rather than prevented, by one of these rabid dogs in an Interceptor.
As I pull away, I call Yana for the fourth time to say I'll be right around. She tells me she has now made her way out the door and is standing on the sidewalk.
"What airline sign are you standing at?" I ask.
"It says Door 2. I don't see any airline signs."
This is troubling to me, because the arrival area has more airline signs than San Francisco has self-righteous homeless vegans.
"Um, I almost don't want to ask but what airport are you at?" I cringe in anticipation of her reply.
"I think SFO but....uh...let me check my ticket. [dramatic pause] Yeah, SFO."
Sweet relief.
"Well you're clearly not in domestic arrivals. Is there any chance that New York flights are now coming into the international terminal?"
And there I found her: at Door 2 of the International Arrivals neighborhood of the airport.
"It's cold here."
Yes. Yes it is.
I'll tell you where I was: making loops around SFO Interational Airport trying to locate a small exotic-looking woman who is my friend Yana.
Her flight was supposed to arrive at 8:25pm but Virgin America and the God Of Lightning and Heavy Rain had other plans. After spending nearly four hours on the tarmac (or "fairway" as she charmingly called it this morning at breakfast) they finally decided it was safe to make their way over to this coast.
I'd like to preface my next statement with a firm avowal of my commitment to doing everything possible to keep our nation safe from the evildoers. That said, I have never been so provoked toward evildoerdom as I was last night the fourth time I was getting barked at by a ferocious woman in an Interceptor to circle the airport again because 25 seconds is too long to be paused in front of the door from which my friend will be emerging within moments. If there ever is an incident of destruction and violence in an airport arrivals area, I feel certain it will have been caused, rather than prevented, by one of these rabid dogs in an Interceptor.
As I pull away, I call Yana for the fourth time to say I'll be right around. She tells me she has now made her way out the door and is standing on the sidewalk.
"What airline sign are you standing at?" I ask.
"It says Door 2. I don't see any airline signs."
This is troubling to me, because the arrival area has more airline signs than San Francisco has self-righteous homeless vegans.
"Um, I almost don't want to ask but what airport are you at?" I cringe in anticipation of her reply.
"I think SFO but....uh...let me check my ticket. [dramatic pause] Yeah, SFO."
Sweet relief.
"Well you're clearly not in domestic arrivals. Is there any chance that New York flights are now coming into the international terminal?"
And there I found her: at Door 2 of the International Arrivals neighborhood of the airport.
"It's cold here."
Yes. Yes it is.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
My heavens!
I thought it would be fun to see what the horoscopes had to say for me on my birthday yesterday.
"The moon in earthy Capricorn brings a dose of realism to today's efforts. It just feels right to follow our urge toward accomplishing something of tangible importance, even at the cost of more fun, lively sociable summertime events."
"The upcoming year is characterized by a renewed focus on work. Work hard, and there is the potential for great reward."
"Be prepared to put the fun on hold this year, in order to reap the rewards of your hard work in the years to come."
"Mercury conjunct Saturn and in harmonious contact to Pluto indicates that you can bring great discipline and meaning to mental work of any kind. This is a time when dedication and commitment to your goals runs high. As far as mental output goes, you are more productive in a reliable and consistent way."
I guess they're all looking at the same stars.
All right! I'll get to work already!
**Emphasis added.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
It's a multi-game console
It's a multi-game console. Vintage circa 1983, if I had to guess.
I think "multi" means it has both Pac Man and Ms. Pac Man.
Someone* taped a piece of paper on the wall next to it to record high scores, probably because the machine doesn't have the capability to do that. I think my coffee-maker has more computing power. Not to mention better graphics.
I'm not sure yet if I am going to spurn it or embrace it.
*I think it is worth clarifying that my current office arrangement is a sort of office hotelling deal where my little startup rents out a single office on a floor of individually rented offices. So there are people around and we all share a kitchen, and a multi-game console, but I really couldn't tell you what their deal is, other than that they are apparently tracking their Pac Man performance quite diligently.
Monday, August 11, 2008
One of these things does not belong here
Here you have a (slightly blurry) picture of the reception and kitchen area of my new office.
30 points for anyone who can identify the item that is out of place.
30 points for anyone who can identify the item that is out of place.
Friday, August 8, 2008
It's a short walk
On my way to work today, I saw:
A homeless man poetry-slamming the Pledge of Allegiance.
A German restaurant's "Specials" placard featuring Pig knuckles*.
The most adorable blonde family. Like from a genetics catalog, if there were such a thing for people.
Two people not talking on cell phones while walking down the street.
A pigeon free-for-all over a cranberry muffin on the sidewalk. It was the most unsettling combination of glee and viciousness I have seen anywhere other than at MBA Singles happy hours.
*I'm probably being naive here but, um, pigs have knuckles? In their hooves?
A homeless man poetry-slamming the Pledge of Allegiance.
A German restaurant's "Specials" placard featuring Pig knuckles*.
The most adorable blonde family. Like from a genetics catalog, if there were such a thing for people.
Two people not talking on cell phones while walking down the street.
A pigeon free-for-all over a cranberry muffin on the sidewalk. It was the most unsettling combination of glee and viciousness I have seen anywhere other than at MBA Singles happy hours.
*I'm probably being naive here but, um, pigs have knuckles? In their hooves?
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Still good for a laugh
I lost one of my closest friends this week. We spent almost every day together over the last three years and it is hard to imagine life without him. He knows everything about me, we had a really strong connection, and on more than one occasion he gave me all the energy he had until he just couldn't give any more. I will miss him.
I'm talking, of course, about my work laptop. I handed it in on Tuesday evening before leaving behind my old job, my old office, and a lifetime supply of peanut M&Ms.
So now while I wait for my new laptop I am working from the laptop that I bought in 2003. It is definitely past its prime but we are getting along nicely so far today so I'm not going to complain.
In fact, its dusty old hard drive offers a whole new world of procrastination from actual work: looking through old files to see what sorts of fun and interesting things have lain dormant here lo these past three years.
This morning I unearthed a gem. Many of you know that I performed a standup comedy routine back in business school and despite frequent requests for a revival, I've been smart enough to know when the idea of something is better than the reality. That said, I've come across my notes and can't help but post an excerpt from them here because I still think they are funny. You may not agree. I'm prepared for that.
Enjoy.
[setting: comedy club filled with MBA students drinking heavily]
So second years, we’re all looking forward to moving again, right? A new apartment, new furniture. I got a lot of my current furniture at Ikea: bad idea.
I bought a desk and I got a construction project. It even came with its own mini tool set complete with an allen wrench.
And I ordered a rug online and they delivered a sheep and a loom (and an allen wrench).
And have you ever noticed that the printed directions don’t have any words? Just pictures of the little desk assembling itself – all the pieces flying together into just the right place, each peg in the right hole. For me, it’s like doing Kamasutra. You look at the picture and say, “I see how this piece goes here, but how did that get there???
But I like what you’re doing with that allen wrench!”
I'm talking, of course, about my work laptop. I handed it in on Tuesday evening before leaving behind my old job, my old office, and a lifetime supply of peanut M&Ms.
So now while I wait for my new laptop I am working from the laptop that I bought in 2003. It is definitely past its prime but we are getting along nicely so far today so I'm not going to complain.
In fact, its dusty old hard drive offers a whole new world of procrastination from actual work: looking through old files to see what sorts of fun and interesting things have lain dormant here lo these past three years.
This morning I unearthed a gem. Many of you know that I performed a standup comedy routine back in business school and despite frequent requests for a revival, I've been smart enough to know when the idea of something is better than the reality. That said, I've come across my notes and can't help but post an excerpt from them here because I still think they are funny. You may not agree. I'm prepared for that.
Enjoy.
[setting: comedy club filled with MBA students drinking heavily]
So second years, we’re all looking forward to moving again, right? A new apartment, new furniture. I got a lot of my current furniture at Ikea: bad idea.
I bought a desk and I got a construction project. It even came with its own mini tool set complete with an allen wrench.
And I ordered a rug online and they delivered a sheep and a loom (and an allen wrench).
And have you ever noticed that the printed directions don’t have any words? Just pictures of the little desk assembling itself – all the pieces flying together into just the right place, each peg in the right hole. For me, it’s like doing Kamasutra. You look at the picture and say, “I see how this piece goes here, but how did that get there???
But I like what you’re doing with that allen wrench!”
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
The chef recommends
For a lot of reasons (none of them interesting), we seem to have gotten behind in our grocery* shopping lately. This has led to some extremely, um, entrepreneurial meals that I might someday fashion into a cautionary tale to frighten small children. For now, I give you this:
Selections from The Billy Goat Recommends, A Cookbook
Reduced-fat wheat thins with low-fat cottage cheese and Pace triple pepper salsa
Popcorn with a bowl of warm pasta sauce
Fuji apple slices with cream cheese and raw walnuts
One small container of hummus eaten with a fork
Fancy blue cheese from the farmers market spread on dried pear slices that technically belong to the guy you are sub-letting from but he probably won't notice, right?
Whipped cream stirred into coffee in place of milk
And on your last day in the office of your now-former employer, I suggest eating nothing but handful after handful of peanut M&Ms all day.
*Pronounced "gro-shree"
Selections from The Billy Goat Recommends, A Cookbook
Reduced-fat wheat thins with low-fat cottage cheese and Pace triple pepper salsa
Popcorn with a bowl of warm pasta sauce
Fuji apple slices with cream cheese and raw walnuts
One small container of hummus eaten with a fork
Fancy blue cheese from the farmers market spread on dried pear slices that technically belong to the guy you are sub-letting from but he probably won't notice, right?
Whipped cream stirred into coffee in place of milk
And on your last day in the office of your now-former employer, I suggest eating nothing but handful after handful of peanut M&Ms all day.
*Pronounced "gro-shree"
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Hours and hours of by-yourself-enjoyment
I went to Jeffrey's Toys last week to buy Jamaica "Cranium" for her birthday and remembered something I had apparently forgotten: I love toy stores!
And I love toys. And games. Toys and games! Hooray!
So, in addition to getting Jamaica a game, I got a few other things as well...
I got a Magic Pen book - remember these?
I told Eric I got it for him and he immediately saw right through me ("This isn't for me, it's for you!" Dammit, he's right.)
I also got some pony stickers that are very serious about being pony stickers: they have each pony's name and what type of pony it is. Sort of like this but PONIES, not HORSES!
And, I got some shark temporary tatoos. My friend Joanna came over for dinner last night and was a really good sport about letting me put one on her arm (the small blue one second from the top on the right) even though she was going to a serious professional conference today. 
And then I physically removed myself from the toy store.
(Yay toys and games!)
And I love toys. And games. Toys and games! Hooray!
So, in addition to getting Jamaica a game, I got a few other things as well...
I got a Magic Pen book - remember these?
I told Eric I got it for him and he immediately saw right through me ("This isn't for me, it's for you!" Dammit, he's right.)I also got some pony stickers that are very serious about being pony stickers: they have each pony's name and what type of pony it is. Sort of like this but PONIES, not HORSES!
And, I got some shark temporary tatoos. My friend Joanna came over for dinner last night and was a really good sport about letting me put one on her arm (the small blue one second from the top on the right) even though she was going to a serious professional conference today. 
And then I physically removed myself from the toy store. (Yay toys and games!)
Monday, August 4, 2008
Idiots take flight
Eric and I flew to Portland, OR this weekend for my friend Elizabeth's wedding. We went up Saturday morning and wanted to take advantage of the time before the 3:30pm wedding to see a little bit of Portland, so we got dressed for the wedding and went out to have a wander around.
On the bridge driving across the river to get to downtown we noticed what appeared to be 80,000 people in the waterfront park. We soon learned that there was a Red Bull-sponsored event underway called Flugtag, in which teams of people with just the right mix of creativity, lack of engineering knowledge and alcohol construct "flying" machines that they - with great fanfare - run off a platform into the river.
It was all good, clean, taurine-induced fun except when Team "Pink Viking" did a gutteral ritualistic-sounding chant that made me wonder if I had just inadvertently worshipped the devil.
My main takeaway: street festivals really should be attended in formal attire.
On the bridge driving across the river to get to downtown we noticed what appeared to be 80,000 people in the waterfront park. We soon learned that there was a Red Bull-sponsored event underway called Flugtag, in which teams of people with just the right mix of creativity, lack of engineering knowledge and alcohol construct "flying" machines that they - with great fanfare - run off a platform into the river.
It was all good, clean, taurine-induced fun except when Team "Pink Viking" did a gutteral ritualistic-sounding chant that made me wonder if I had just inadvertently worshipped the devil.
My main takeaway: street festivals really should be attended in formal attire.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Bluegrass Thursdays
Thursdays they have live bluegrass music at Atlas Cafe. I love bluegrass music. It makes me happy and sad at the same time.
Last night was an open jam session and at one point they had 16 people up there playing their hearts out. I'm not kidding. There were three banjoists, at least three mandolin players, two fiddlers (one of them quite wild-eyed), a slew of guitarists, a spectacular standup bass dude who kinda looked like Santa, a most unlikely character playing the spoons (seriously), a fellow on a washboard setup that included a bicycle bell and clown horn, a guy playing kazoo and even a jug player! It was some good clean fun.
This picture is of the warmup when they only had about eight people up there. It is a terrible picture - probably only worth about 350 words - but it's all I've got to share. Next time video, I promise!
Last night was an open jam session and at one point they had 16 people up there playing their hearts out. I'm not kidding. There were three banjoists, at least three mandolin players, two fiddlers (one of them quite wild-eyed), a slew of guitarists, a spectacular standup bass dude who kinda looked like Santa, a most unlikely character playing the spoons (seriously), a fellow on a washboard setup that included a bicycle bell and clown horn, a guy playing kazoo and even a jug player! It was some good clean fun.
This picture is of the warmup when they only had about eight people up there. It is a terrible picture - probably only worth about 350 words - but it's all I've got to share. Next time video, I promise!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
