Kick me again

I am not pathetic.

I think this is a important fact to establish right at the start here, because there is accumulating evidence that might tempt you to think otherwise. Don't be taken in. I can assure you, pathos have no place with me.

It would be easy, when I tell you that yesterday no one showed up to either of the two yoga classes that I was scheduled to teach, for you to make that "awww" noise in your head and kind of squish up your face with sympathy. Don't do that. I'm sure all those people who were going to come had important things come up right before class that prevented them from making it, like a rogue bus driver or a badly stubbed toe. I bet they were really disappointed to miss out.

You might also be tempted to compassionately furrow your brow when I tell you that I ate at IHOP on Saturday afternoon. Please - before you judge, let me explain. We had gone surfing and, it being December, I spent the whole morning between waves fantasizing about things that are warm. One was coffee. Another was pancakes. As a result, my ability to drive past the IHOP on the way home - feet still numb from the cold water - had been too severely compromised. I had the seasonal special pumpkin pancakes. There's no shame in that.

Definitely don't comfortingly pat my arm and shake your head about my being unemployed. Maybe I like being unemployed. Did you ever think about that? Maybe I enjoy living off of my dwindling savings while job prospects disintegrate around me on a daily basis. You see, I have the gift of time. Endless endless time! I bet you're reading this at work and that afterwards you'll go on to do something productive. Ha! Sucker. Know what I'm going to do next? Go back to the Safeway with my receipt from yesterday's grocery trip to plead with them to give me back a few dollars for sales that didn't ring up properly.

And you thought I was pathetic.