Other people's love letters

The Clementina Show had a cameo a few weeks ago from a gentleman, who we'll call Eddie Burris here for the protection of everyone involved (mostly me).

Mr. Burris has recently been released from a local prison and one of the things he did upon his release was to spread a bunch of his personal papers on the sidewalk in front of our apartment building.

It isn't unusual for there to be a lot of trash and papers in front of our building, so for the most part we didn't notice anything unusual. Until Eric picked up a handwritten letter on college-ruled notebook paper and brought it inside.

Here is what that letter said:

Dear Eddie,

So today is Sunday. I woke up really early this morning and made my kids breakfast, washed the dishes. Got the kids dressed and then waited for my mom the get dressed. We went tot he plunge in Hayward. They have a nice swimming pool and a beautiful hiking trail. It was really scary because the hiking trail had steep hills and cliffs. You have to really stay on the toddlers about that kind of stuff.

So, so far you haven't got any word from your other girlfriend. That's good I guess. I fell like you wouldn't tell me even if you did. Naw - you would tell me. You are pretty honest.

Sometimes I tend to direct the conversation in a negative direction. That's when you supposed to kiss me on the lips. Or just stop me from doing what ever it is that I am doing and give me a hug + kiss my neck. I need validation.

I wish I could have come to see you today but I didn't have the gas. I will be there next weekend though, I hope. I have to do that extra credit deal for biology next Saturday and it is an all day thing to visit you on Sunday.

You know something Eddie I think that I am a control freak. I like to control things. But if I would just let shit go and only worry about myself then that is half the battle.

A person only has so much mental capacity then they are just spinning their wheels and worrying about dumb shit.

It's like if a man finds his place with another woman, then it wasn't meant to be in the first place. So, why worry about you and Shaunice.

I'm saying this because I always doubt myself. I feel like I am worthless.

But the truth is that there are plenty of fish in the sea but for some reason I am hung up on you.

I'm telling you. It's the way we busted at the exact same time those times. That is powerful shit. Nothing can compare to that.

But sex is not everything. A person has to be mature enough and willing to take part in certain things.

I mean, shit, you are locked up right now. I don't want that in my life. A person who goes to jail on a regular basis. I have to make better decisions than that. If I was you, I would be pissed because you put 6 months into that job and then you were locked up for another 6 months. That would have been a whole year on your job and we cold have taken a vacation to Las Vegas or something. You can't replace that time.

I didn't do anything to you but anyways counseling would be good. Because you have to learn when to back away from a woman. So that you don't get yourself in trouble. If that woman is acting a fool, get the hell away from her. It's not OK to act like a fool.

Anyways, I'm listening to my new CDs Jay gave me. I like the Jams.

[here, one whole page with I (heart) U written again and again filling the whole page]

I'm waiting on you. You may not want to be with me but I'm not on drugs and won't get back on drugs. I'm holding it down and keeping this pussy on lockdown for Mr. Burris.

[then another page of I (heart) U's, then a whole page of 143*, then another whole page of I (heart) U's]

I think you will agree, this is pretty raw stuff.

The next day, I noticed that a bunch of the papers laying on the ground were receipts for purchases from the jail cantina where Mr Burris was incarcerated. He had purchased things like shower shoes and refried beans. I didn't bring them inside.

Not long after, Eric found another note; different handwriting, different notebook. Different girlfriend. It read:

Dear Eddie,

It was really nice to see you today. I came home, cleaned up my room and did a little math homework. Now I'm writing to you.

You know my brother and sister are both on dope and it is really scary. I don't want to deal with their drama or bullshit. I had a really peaceful life when I lived over there.

I move here and I got drama from the whole family. I don't really have a choice except to deal with it because I still got that CPS case. My court date is in June and they will probably close it then.

So, now that I know what is going on with you, I can relax. Do my homework, go to church. Visit you. Things will go pretty smoothly. All I gotta do is keep it simple and know what is important to me.

I can't wait to make love to you. You know that right? I love making love to you. I dream about it. You make me melt, Eddie. I don't know why, you just do. I can't wait to kiss you all over, especially your neck. You know what neck I'm talking about, too.

Spring break is next week. So, I will be there to see you next Thursday. I have a small budget, so I have to plan my funds to make it through the month.

My GPA last semester when I lived in Marin was 3.8 :) I'm not doing so good in this new English class this semester but I know I'm making A's in the rest of my classes.

I'm gonna get this in the mail. I love you and I can't wait to make love to you again.

Love, [name withheld - but it wasn't Shaunice]

It is hard not to feel kind of horrible and voyeuristic reading someone else's love letters. And we probably should feel horrible for reading them, and I should feel especially horrible for posting them here, because they are private. I hope that by removing the names that privacy can be protected.

I find these letters fascinating. They offer a glimpse into a reality that is so completely different from the one that I, and probably everyone I know, live in. The day to day lives of these women are clearly challenging in ways that I probably don't even begin to understand.

What I love about these, and what makes them so hard to stop reading, is how both of these women lay themselves so bare in these letters. There is a vulnerability and a reaching out that is hard not to be moved by.

We've been watching the Clementina Show with interest lately to see if Eddie will make an appearance, but I think he may have already moved on.


*For those who aren't with it enough to know what "143"means, it means "I love you": I has 1 letter, love has 4 and you has 3.